Heavy Armour Brigade
The Heavy Armour Brigade, or HAB for short is a private usergroup on SDN.
"Formed to discuss armoured vehicles in real life and their counterparts in science fiction. Destruction of childish mecha fanboy claims of feasibility or superiority is an ongoing mission."
What's All this Objective Interim Stuff, Anyway?
It's a humorous play on the US Army under Eric Shinkenski's leadership's practice of making everything Objective and/or Interim.
You can read an example of this here.
Isn't this all Wanking, Anyway?
Some of it is, but there are some good gems, which should be remembered, like the Burn Before Reading classification, for their sheer absurdity which typify the Military-Industrial Complex at it's most insane.
The Great Leader
The Heavy Armour Brigade is led by its illustrious and mighty Great Leader. Under his leadership the HAB strives to eliminate the Mecha Scum.
His view of loyalty is summed up by a quote from Hermann Göring: "If the Führer wants it, two and two make five!" He expects the same level of loyalty from his HAB minions.
As long as you are loyal and obedient, the Great Leader cares little of your personal opinion of him. Your children at state boarding school may however give a damn when the blowtorch gets close...
Despite this, The Great Leader is not so bad, as he doesn't require all to bow before a painting of himself when he is absent, unlike Paraguayan dictator Francisco Solano Lopez, who managed to get 85% of his nations male population killed in the War of the Triple Alliance.
No, the Great Leader is sophisticated enough to provide a photo for the task.
Structure of the HAB
HAB is structured on the basis of Enlightened Revolutionary Socialist Feudalism as proclaimed by the glorious whims of The Great Leader. Under this system all HAB minions are equally subservient to The Great Leader, but some are more equal then others. These ‘more equal’ minions are empowered to each command a different branches of the HAB armed forces, along with all pieces of the HAB military-industrial complex required to meet the branches procurement requirements. Collectively this grouping of military and industrial power is known formally as a fiefdom, and is ruled as its leader sees fit. Thermo-Atomic conflict between groups is considered a normal and healthy aspect of military preparedness within the greater HAB garrison state.
Groups In HAB
Locations within HAB
Capital of HAB and official home of The Great Leader, Passchendaele City is in fact the third incarnation of the HAB capital, after the first two successively sank into the 1000ft deep swamp the city is built upon. Every building, road and aspect of the city has been designed for maximum functionality, as a military structure. From the bomb proof telephone booths to the anti tank guard rails around statues, the city is prepared for any possible threat while acting as a bastion of armaments manufacturing. Every factory is a miniature self contained city, and the loyal HAB worker need never be further then the distance he can walk on a one minute daily break from his machine tool. The city is renown for having such thick air pollution that rain turns to mud in mid air.
The Trillion Curie Zone
Hard radiation is to the Zone what silicon is to the Earth. Home to the Total Contamination Brigades and the natural habitat of the Objective Radiological Force Warrior, the Zone is considered to be the most intensely radioactive area in the known multiverse. To enter a high orbit over this area, even in a star dreadnought of the first class, will expose personal to a dosage rate of more then eighteen million rems per hour; such personal are advised to wear goggles.
The Great Rad Erg
Also known as the Fallout Dune Sea, this vast area of glowing sand is located downwind of the HAB atomic weapon battlegroup proving grounds. It is said that a race of proto-rad warriors inhabit the deepest depths of the Erg, riding the glowworms and harvesting hotspots, but this may be only myth and legend. Currently the edges are used for adding vital sludge to HAB motor oil.
The Great Leader in his greatest moment of great wisdom realized that the mecha scum might escape his power through the sweet release of death. This was unacceptable, and so the invasion and occupation of Hell was ordered. Glorious HAB force drilled through the fabric of reality to place breaching charges against the door to the underworld. Demonic chaos proved no match for the power of the atom, and soon the devil himself was placed under the yoke of HAB bureaucracy. Hell now serves as merely another node in the HAB military-industrial complex under The Great Leaders direct administration. The mecha scum must now fear even death its self as only another inescapable road to HAB ‘rehabilitation’.
The minimum needed for the HAB heavy tank classification is that movement of the vehicle causes cracking of tectonic plates to a depth of at least 75 kilometers.
HAB of course,has beyond heavy, very heavy, super heavy, ultra heavy, exceedingly heavy, semi uber heavy and uber heavy tank classifications. This is followed by the ultra lightweight, super lightweight, very lightweight etc… breakthrough tank classifications.
No known limit exists on the HAB capacity to classify new types of tanks. Loyal HAB minion researchers continue to work on miniaturized anti viral and anti atom tanks, alongside projects measured in multiples of solar masses.
Objective Oceanic Environment Defeat Munition
Currently under development at HAB, with initial prototypes based upon the Jahre Viking being built, the OOEDM program seeks an innovative solution to rapid ocean environmental destruction. HAB scientists have concluded that releasing a "whole fuckload of oil" will provide for rapid indiscriminate environmental suppression and destruction. A coaxial "we can ram anything short of Hawaii and win" capability will ensure that Greenpeace threat units will be unable to affect the OOEDM's destruction of marine life.
Objective Interim Light Repulsortank
The Death Star.
Objective Interim Coffee Thermal Overmatch System
Is able to induce fusion in the very water being used to brew the drink. This has led to several minor catastrophes, but nothing that more suffering by the glorious HAB population cannot overcome.
The only vehicle in the entire historical HAB inventory which has ever been solely-track driven and approached the designation of Medium-Heavy Tank was the NKVD-designed and constructed Object 292-1, code-named Rosa Luxemburg.
This was a design based on an upscaled A7V concept, and it's proportions were roughly
length: 70 AU
width: 30 AU
height: 30 AU
although certain unavoidable inefficiencies in NKVD measurement devices and the refusal of Carl Zeiss GmbH, controlled by Sheppard's Reich, to supply us with better tools made these figures somewhat imprecise.
The mass was also difficult to determine, because artificial gravity generators had to be used to prevent the tank from collapsing into a black hole, and the hypermatter reactor with it's complex mass proved impossible to properly factor into calculations.
Initial tests with this tank were hampered by several problems:
1) Conventional in-tank communications were not up to the task, as it took hours for orders to travel at the speed of light from the commander's cupola to gunnery control. These systems were subsequently replaced by instantaneous "ansible" communications.
2) There was no surface in the universe large enough to provide a field for road tests, so the NKVD was forced to construct Object 480-3X, which was a colossal flat sheet of unobtainium measuring 700x700 AU and 10 AU thick, equipped with artificial gravity generators to secure the tank to its surface. This was itself an achievement on a grand scale, unapproached by any other effort on the part of rival HAB fiefdoms.
3) The endless tracks had to move at considerable velocity to propel the vehicle at any speed perceptible relative to the size of the vehicle. During road tests, many of the transmission components reached the speed of light and exceeded the ability of HAB lubrication and materials science to maintain them. The unobtainium pistons inevitably seized and the vehicle became immobilized. Also, the drive shafts were so long in absolute terms that deformations in the space-time curve made it difficult for them to transfer power efficiently to the tracks.
4) The main gun of the tank, a 1.05E15 millimeter cannon which fired neutronium shells the size of a Red Supergiant star at hyperspace velocities malfunctioned during its first test with consequences that even now cannot be fully understood. NKVD physicists believe that the firing of this cannon caused a distortion in space-time which reverberated back to the beginning of the universe and may have been the approximate cause of the Big Bang, although this avenue of research is still being pursued by our time-space paradox experts.
As a result of these problems, testing on Object 292-1 ("Rosa Luxemburg") experimental Medium-Heavy Tank has been suspended until advances in physics and materials science enable a second attempt.
Objective Interim Expendable Lightweight Assault Force Tactical Urban Warrior System, Chemical Fueled
The mission of the HAB Objective Interim Expendable Lightweight Assault Force Tactical Urban Warrior System, Chemical Fueled, or OIELAFTUWSCF, is the engagement at close quarters of enemy forces and material within moderately built up urban areas such as those found in third world shitholes. Each Warrior System consists of a single male age 12-21 armed with an RPK light machine gun, one 10-pound satchel charge, one spare drum magazine and one machete.
Each Warrior System is also issued with sixteen ounces of crystal Meth, one pipe for smoking crystal Meth, and six ounces of pure PCP, also smoked in the meth pipe.
A loot sack is also included in the kit.
Training is limited to advice on what size of hit to start with. Transportation consists of small Japanese pickup trucks equipped with KPV heavy machine guns and RPG-7 rocket launchers.
The Warrior System is deployed in units of 500-15,000 primarily for the purpose of the punitive expeditions against those the HAB deems an annoyance in the third world, but who are not yet worthy of the attention of HAB Main Force units.
The objective of the weapon is to create an effect similar to a continuously detonating shaped charge. To achieve this copper pellets are continuously mixed with the exhaust gas of an AIE power source and then forced through a series of turbopumps driven off the AIE crankshaft. The results are directed by fictionite piping (also used for the turbopump blades) to a turreted nozzle. On firing a stream of molten copper traveling at approximately mach thirty with a volume of many thousands of gallons, minimal possible target damage is heavy armor reduced to Swiss cheese.
Nuclear Flamethrower Tank
Based on a US Army built a steam powered flamethrower tank of 1918 vintage, the nuclear flamethrower tank follows its predecessor in using steam pressure to project flames onto enemies of freedom.
To update the concept for the HAB atomic age the oil fueled steam boiler was replaced by a HAB standard boiling polonium reactor, feeding a super high pressure reservoir. The main flamethrower is mounted in a forward casemate and is capable of projecting Special Type napalm to a distance of over eighteen kilometers.
To ensure close range defense, HAB has fitted the vehicle with side sponsons for thickened Soman nerve gas spray nozzles, also pressurized via radioactive main steam. In addition the roof mounted commanders cupola is fitted with a 75mm quick firing gun, using shrapnel shells manufactured from spent reactor fuel impregnated with ricin as its primary projectile.
The smoke grenade dischargers give off smoke via burning PCB laden plastic, tracks are lubricated with mercury; the crew is perpetually drunk on Isopropyl alcohol while smoking blunt wrappers and eating McDonalds food. On leave they feed chocolate to dogs, pee in reservoirs and are known to huff diesel fumes from the APU.
M-894A8E4 Mark II Mecha Impersonation Bot
The only semi mecha authorized for HAB use is the HAB M-894A8E4 Mark II Mecha Impersonation Bot; which appears to employ humanoid locomotion but is in fact propelled by very small caterpillar tracks hidden on the bottom of each foot. For long range mobility the bot may be equipped with roller skates
Normal combat use calls for either infiltration tactics or massed charges against mecha scum, which will naturally meet the charge with swords and shields rather then ranged weapons. In this case the mecha impersonation bot will employ the Type 3 Thermonuclear Anti Mecha Pole Charge; Tsar Bomba on a 100 meter steel pole, while the standard infiltration armament is the units own integral 35 megaton self destruct charge.
Special Type Atomic Element 474 (Pz-474)
Has a melting point of 4,000C and is extracted from Unobtainium via a process too horrifyingly insane to mention. This special type element is the key to many HAB fission technologies as it allows for much greater rates of energy release then any known naturally occurring nuclear element.
Special Type Atomic Element 909 (Brownium)
Special Type Atomic Element 909 is extracted from this material. When STAE-909 is sprayed onto a B-52, it becomes invisible to radar, and when injected into HAB Lab slaves they can fire 20mm cannons from the hip. Recently involved in a disastrous experiment to create the Objective Interim Mammalian Kinetic Heavy Assault Horn Breaching system, Rhino based.
HAB Armor Standard Depleted Unobtainium
Once Unobtainium has been processed to extract its Special Type Atomic Element Pz 474 content, it is normally fusion forged into armor plate, but only after being cycled back through a boiling plutonium reactor. This radiological bombardment allows the depleted Unobtainium to glow brightly enough that any vehicle so armored will not require headlights.
HAB Motor Oil
HAB weapons and engines require a certain minimum threshold of dirt to function properly. Our finest motor oil for Atomic Ignition Engines is prepared by first being used for 50,000 miles travel through the Great Rad Erg, inside a 1950s gasoline engine with no air filter. A special exhaust gas diversion pipe ensures that crankcase pressure is maintained at not less then 50psi for maximum sludging effect.
TVMB, otherwise known as Track Via Migrating Birds guidance. This system functions by using a powerful camera angled upwards, which will track the flight paths of high flying Siberian cranes via their reflection off orbital mirrors, to keep the weapon on course. Advanced computer systems running faster then the US deficit clock are employed to predicted precise crane migratory routes in advance, ensuring that this revolutionary system exceeds Snark Accuracy Standards.
The original estimated cost was not less then eighty seven billion dollars, plus an additional forty million to fund efforts to preserve Siberian crane habitat, but this has become irrelevant following the abolishment of HAB budgeting. A backup plan, known as Marmosets Radio Triangulation, has met with less success.
Atomic Ignition Engine
The Atomic Ignition Engine or AIE is the primary power source for HAB vehicles of all scales and missions. It is the result of the combination of Project Orion and conventional internal combustion engine technology. The AIE has valves, pistons and a crankshaft like conventional engines, but relies on nuclear elements for fuel.
In the case of the Gas Type AIE, instead of liquid fuel a complete atomic bomb is injected into each cylinder on the compression stroke and initiated. Additionally a working fluid or material such as air, water or dirt is injected, providing more vaporization mass and thus higher efficiency. The resulting nuclear blast moves the piston, powering the engine. The Diesel Type AIE functions in a similar manner, but relies on simple slugs of nuclear weapons material rather then complete atomic bombs. This material is compressed to the point of fission on the compression stroke, making the engine more efficient and less sensitive to fuel quality, but with a lower power to weight ratio.
AIE design and construction is based around HAB mastery of [[Special Type Elements], and advanced worker torment technology. Engine blocks are cast from Unobtainium and left to cool for one hundred years in the lava pits of hades, now HAB Radiological Industry Combine 381-2, before being moved to Passchendaele City for final assembly. Most moving parts are created from an Impossibilium / Absurdium alloy on machine tools which can only properly function when the soul of the user is directly attached to the RPM control knob.
Block II Bullshit Defeat Munition
The HAB's Bullshit Defeat Munition is a 16' artillery shell with the inherent ability to nullify bullshit. Merely loading it into a weapon has been known to make mecha explode at a distance of three thousand kilometers.
Block IV Objective Interim Training Manual
Consists of only four pages, all of which the remaining are classified Burn Before Reading and may under no circumstances be viewed by any person who might need to see them. After all, once two people know its no longer a secret.