Star Trek Nemesis

Pictorial Plot Synopsis Page 4 of 4

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Picture #33
PICARD:Oh, fuck it. I'm just going to beam over there myself so we can end this miserable abortion of a movie.
DATA:Shouldn't I go? Or a commando team? What's up with this "mano a mano", "I must face him alone" shit? You're not a Jedi Knight, you know.
PICARD:I know. But this is what happens when you let fanboys write scripts.

Picture #34
DATA:The transporters conveniently failed after sending Picard, so I'm going to leap across space to get to Shinzon's ship.
GEORDI:What about the transporters in the shuttles?
DATA:Shut up.
GEORDI:What about the Captain's Yacht?
DATA:Shut up.
GEORDI:Why didn't we just send a bomb instead of Picard?
DATA:Shut up.
GEORDI:What about the transporters in the cargo bays? They're independent units, remember?
DATA:What part of "shut the fuck up" do you not understand? This is my big heroic exit, asshole. Don't fuck it up.

Picture #35
Cool, I'm a 60 year old man and I'm single-handedly wiping out the entire crew of this ship! This is like playing Quake with "God Mode" turned on. Gotta love fanboy writers.

Picture #36
Great. I whacked some guy with my rifle and it broke in half. Who built this fucking thing? Well, now I have an excuse for yet another contrived scene: hand to hand combat with Shinzon. I hope the audience won't think to ask why I don't just pick up a gun from the floor, since I just killed a whole room full of armed Reman crewmen. Then again, if they've suffered through this much of the movie, they're probably de-sensitized to the bad writing by now.

Picture #37
Look, not only does Shinzon's ship need "targeting wings", but it has to deploy some sort of Mixmaster attachment in order to fire, complete with claws. Why the fuck do spaceships need claws? Somebody watches way too many cartoons. But at least the baring of the claws reminds the audience how perilous the situation is. The only thing missing from this cliché is a big red ticking digital countdown clock.

Picture #38
I can't believe I just held this pole in front of me and you ran right into it. Couldn't they get a decent fight choreographer?

Picture #39
Remember that cool scene in "Fellowship of the Ring" when that big Uruk-Hai pulled himself along Aragorn's sword after being stabbed, defiant to the end? Well ... let's copy it! Shamelessly!

Picture #40
Hello Captain, it's me. I arrived just too late to interfere with your big dramatic fight against Shinzon, but just early enough to keep you from blowing up the ship and killing yourself. Here's a portable one-shot one-man one-way transporter plot device, which we cooked up just so I could change places with you and make my not-at-all predictable sacrifice. When you get back to the ship, B-4 will be carrying my Vulcan katra- er, I mean my neural engrams, so a part of me will live on. Yes, we're so creatively bankrupt that we're recycling stuff from earlier Trek movies too.

Picture #41
Wow, you can destroy this whole ship by shooting a handgun into this funky green lightshow. You'd think they would have at least put walls or plexiglass around it, for fuck's sake. Good thing there are no guards. Hmm, I wonder why the entire crew didn't come rushing to this room once the fighting started.

Where did they get this script anyway? Scripts 'R Us?

Picture #42
KABOOM! Thank God, now the movie's finally over. Wait a minute, there are still EIGHT MINUTES to go before the end credits? Fuck this, I'm out of here.

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