Galactic Polling Centre
Imperial Poll #1
You are trapped in an elevator with Jar-Jar Binks and Wesley Crusher. You have a handgun with one round in the chamber. Who do you kill?
|Wesley Crusher: The most annoying character in Star Trek, ever.
|Jar-Jar Binks: The most annoying character in Star Wars, ever.
|Yourself: Just put yourself out of your own misery.
The ballot between Wesley and Jar-Jar was close, thus indicating that both characters are equally hated by the voting public. However, after a week, the runaway winner was obviously suicide. Yessir, it appears that you would rather kill yourselves than be stuck in an elevator with either Wesley or Jar-Jar.
I'd shoot Jar-Jar and try to kill Wesley using the gun as a club. Both of them deserve to die, and I refuse to take my own life just to get away from two assholes :P
Or perhaps I'd hold them at gunpoint, shooting the first one who starts to speak. Hell, terrorizing them could be even more fun than actually SHOOTING those guys :)
Imperial Poll #2
The women of sci-fi include Leia Organa (feisty), Padme Amidala (young and virginal), Susan Ivanova (tough, "open-minded"), 7 of 9 (hot body, dead-fish personality), and Kira Nerys (perky and tough). Which one would you expect to be hottest in bed?
|7 of 9: she has all the personality of a dead fish, but she looks good.
|Kira Nerys: Perky, capable of kicking a Klingon's ass, and her evil mirror-universe
twin was a bisexual slut.
|Princess Leia: Feisty, good with a blaster.
|Ivanova: Violent, emotional, impulsive, and bisexual.
|Amidala: Young, confident, virginal.
Well, it's pretty obvious that Amidala took this one without breaking a sweat. To be honest, she was not my first pick. I like attitude over appearance. Kira's evil twin in the mirror-universe liked skin-tight black leather, she forced men to pleasure her, and she blackmailed Ezri Dax into a lesbian make-out session. Now that's attitude! But I digress; the people have spoken, and they want Amidala.
I resent the current quiz. It fails to recognise those portions of the population who would prefer to go and do the hanky panky with Picard or Harry Kim (the only two attractive males in all of Star Trek).
Not to mention the inherent sexiness of Han Solo, Anakin and the emperor (sure he's an ugly old dude, but power is such an aphrodisiac...)
I don't know what you think, but I think that any girl who could get it on with Emperor Palpatine has got to be interesting :)
Imperial Poll #3
If you had a daughter, who would you least like to see dating her?
|Han Solo: a classic scoundrel.
|Anakin Skywalker: a troubled teen, with all the makings of a sociopath.
|James T. Kirk: a man who always protected ... his ship and crew, not his women or
Fascinating ... I figured people wouldn't vote for Han Solo because he may be a scoundrel but he seems like a decent guy, and more importantly, he was apparently faithful to Leia. But I was bit surprised to see Captain Kirk winning so easily, since Anakin is trouble with a capital "T". I guess you guys would rather have an extraordinarily dangerous son-in-law than one who will bring home venereal disease from 47 different planets :)
Han Solo may be a rogue and a criminal, but he's the least likely of the three to do major harm to my hypothetical daughter - Captain Kirk's love interests tend to end up pregnant (Carol Marcus) or dead (Edith Keeler), or stranded in a completely unfamiliar time period (Gillian Taylor).
Anakin is, as seen in AOTC, a manipulative little shit, an immature, impulsive brat with a lightsaber, capable of deep and violent rages and seemingly incapable of controlling his emotions. That is not somebody I'd want to see dating my daughter, either.
Imperial Poll #4
If you had Jedi powers, you would use them to:
|Crush your enemies
|Pick up chicks
It appears that you guys would make poor superheroes. Fighting crime was dead last on the list, with Wall Street not much more popular. The two front-runners were crushing your enemies and picking up chicks, and this was the most hotly contested poll yet, with the lead shifting back and forth several times. However, in the end, "picking up chicks" eked out a win. The moral of the story is that you guys are not altruistic or greedy, but you are vicious and horny :)
I would definatly use the jedi powers to pick stocks.
Think about it. The Jedi used it to fight crime, Anakin used it pick up chicks (or a chick) and the Sith used it to crush their enemies. And look where it got all of them!
I'm sticking to investments with my powers. It seems safer for my health.
Pretty hard to argue with that :)
PS. in case you're curious, this is the same John Riehle that's on my Hate Mail page, with a lot of silly "Cult of Borg" arguments. But that's no reason not to nominate his E-mail for "Choice Feedback".
Imperial Poll #5
Which inhuman creature is most terrifying?
|Wampa: a powerful ice monster from the icy depths of Hoth.
|Acklay: a giant, fast-moving Geonosian arena monster.
|Sarlacc: in his belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.
|Rancor: Jabba the Hutt's genetically engineered monstrosity.
|Cher: the mishapen product of medical science gone mad.
Well, it looks like you all chose correctly. This is the most one-sided poll I've run yet, with a piddly 56 votes for the Wampa and more than 1600 votes for Cher. Clearly, you are all terrified of Cher, and with good reason (at least the other monsters are still organic).
Unfortunately, I accidentally nuked my inbox, and I lost all my feedback for this poll (that'll teach me to click "yes" without being 100% sure). I'd love to blame the software, but in the end, it was just me (d'oh!)
Imperial Poll #6
Who would you rather have with you in a bar fight?
|James T. Kirk: with or without his ripped shirt, his Kirk-Fu is strong.
|Worf: he may be a pompous windbag, but he's a big strong guy who loves a fight.
|Han Solo: he will never be accused of bringing a knife to a gunfight.
|Garibaldi: a born scrapper.
|Obi-Wan Kenobi: thug, meet lightsabre.
Obi-Wan in a landslide. I guess his habit of dismembering people left an impression on the voting public.
I guess I shouldn't have made that so easy; lots of people voted but very few people bothered to send in any kind of feedback, which suggests to me that the poll was so grossly one-sided that no one could think of anything to say about it. However, a few retroactive messages were received after the polls closed, so I picked one:
As to why Obi-Wan won so convincingly:
1. Worf and Kirk are more likely to start the bar fight in question in the first place;
2. Han tends to end bar fights in a lethal manner (by gunning down his opponent, whether or not said opponent fires first);
3. Garibaldi is great, but he may not always win at the time, which is kind of what you want in a bar fight, after all. He's sneaky and devious and he'll get you eventually, even if its days, weeks, months or years later, or even if he's dead.
4. Obi-Wan tends to finish bar fights decisively by removing an opponent's ability to fight - usually by removing their arm. Have you ever seen anyone pick a fight with him after he's dealt with his initial attacker? He not only takes out his opponent, he also intimidates everyone else into leaving him alone.
That's why he won.
I predict that the lightsaber will win the next poll - the blaster rifle and the pulse rifle are both great, but they don't have the style or intimidation factor of a lightsaber, which is also more easily concealed (and we've already proved we're a sneaky underhanded bunch of fanboys and girls). The phaser just doesn't get the job done as well as the others, and while the bat'tleth may look nice, it doesn't have the utility, style or damage potential of a lightsaber - and it's not exactly concealable.
Imperial Poll #7
If you could have a sci-fi hand weapon, which would you choose?
|Klingon Bat'leth: the preferred weapon of drunken long-haired hippie warriors everywhere.
|Phaser: it slices, it dices, it makes things vanish into thin air!
|Blasters: sometimes, there's no substitute for brute force.
|Pulse Rifle: it may be old-fashioned, but it kills bugs dead.
|Lightsabre: the coolest weapon ever. Forever.
The lightsabre wins! Many people pointed out that the question could be interpreted two ways; which weapon is the coolest, or which weapon would you actually want in battle. Battle-minded people tended to go for the blaster rifle or the pulse rifle (almost tied for second), while the coolness and "combat zen" factor indisputably goes to the lightsabre. Apparently, more people were thinking of the coolness factor than military tactics.
I see the lightsabre seems to be running away with this poll. I wonder if people are really thinking this through. Yes, the lightsabre has it all over the other weapons when it comes to the coolness factor, but unless an unusually high number of force-sensitives come to StarDestroyer.Net, most of the people who voted for the lightsabre would probably end up cutting their own faces off with it. It's just too dangerous to be useful. "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
Much good feedback was received on this poll. However, I had to award the prize to the one which quoted Han Solo, since Han Solo is the coolest character who ever existed in the Star Wars universe (and yes, he did shoot Greedo first, Special Edition or no Special Edition).
With regards to poll 7, its a very easy choice for me. I've spent 5 years training in the art of the sword...it is from a personal standpoint the ultimate weapon. For an army, a pulse rifle or a blaster or *shudders* perhaps even a phaser might be appropriate...for an individual there is little to match the elegance of the lightsabre its more than a weapon its a status symbol...though the batleth is tempting, the 'sabre is at the pinnacle of the individual warrior path.
As I read this one, I couldn't help but hear the words in my head: "an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age."
Imperial Poll #8
Without orbital fire support, who would do best against a modern army of equal size? Assume both sides have full intel on the others' capabilities.
|Jem'Hadar: masters of the screaming charge into enemy fire.
|Droid Army: they're not too bright, but there's a million of 'em and they pack a punch.
|Clone Army: big guns, massive artillery, air support, tanks ... when you say "bring it on" to these guys, they will.
In a rather one-sided outcome, the clones win. Was there ever any doubt? Actually, I thought the droid army might have put up a good fight if we include all of the units they had from both TPM and AOTC (they were not well-prepared for the battle in AOTC and lacked the light hover-tanks and air support from STAP's and droid fighters that they had in TPM). Remember that droids are not vulnerable to shrapnel or small-arms fire.
Of course, it goes without saying that the Jem'Hadar were never a serious contendor in this poll, as they would not be in this hypothetical contest. The shroud is neat, but with intel beforehand, a modern army would be using infrared to pick them up, and their pathetic combat tactics would get them ground up like mincemeat.
On the subject of the current poll -- i.e., fighting a modern army with an equal sized SW/ST army -- I think it's kind of obvious which option will win.
You see, since most of the people at SD.Net happen to be sadistic and twisted individuals (evidenced by the fact that many of them have actually seen Voyager), they'd naturally select the army that would be most entertaining to see slaughtered.
Obviously, the clone army actually poses a real threat. It has superb air power -- its gunships have major firepower, and shields. It has walkers that are fairly quick, and easily deployed (even if they don't have orbital fire support, they can deploy them wherever they want, ready to go). And its armour is probably equal to later stormtrooper armour, so clone troopers should be well protected against shrapnel and small arms fire, as well as potentially some more powerful firearms.
Obviously, since the clones have armour (both cavalry and personal defences) and air power, they'd probably do some serious damage to the other army, if not win outright. Now that wouldn't be all that much fun to watch, since real battles are fairly chaotic and difficult to follow.
Of course, watching the 'droid army being blown to pieces by long-range artillery would be fun for a few minutes, but that gets old. Where's the blood? Where's the gore? They come apart pretty easily, anyway.
Now, the Jem'Hadar ... they'd charge and charge and charge, and never once think about possibly changing tactics. It would be black comedy at its finest. It would be like a sequel to Dr Strangelove, only in real-time. I can't imagine that people wouldn't love to see the Jem'Hadar slaughtered wholesale.
Certainly an interesting take on the situation. I hadn't thought of evaluating "best" in terms of entertainment value rather than tactical ability.
Imperial Poll #9
Who is the most evil?
|The Founders: shape-shifting masters of the Dominion.
|The Cylons: ruthless exterminators of the creature known as Man.
|Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith.
|The Shadows: Creepy invisible bug-things with a fondness for bioweapons.
|The Borg: Resistance is futile.
|Emperor Palpatine: Conqueror of an entire galaxy.
|Martha Stewart: no, make it stop! Turn off the TV! Now!!!
Palpatine put up a pretty good fight, but the ultimate King (or Queen) of Evil is obviously Martha Stewart! Was there ever any doubt?
In order to determine who is the most evil of the options listed, we first have to list their evil deeds ...
Total evil points: 17
- Slaughtered a tribe of tusken raiders. Evil rating: 3. His first "evil deed. Pretty small in comparison to what he did later, but since he just looked so pissed off while doing it has to be mentioned.
- Hunting down and killing every single fucking Jedi in the universe. Evil rating: 9. If we learn nothing else from episode II (besides the fact that Natalie Portman would make a great porn star), it's that kindergarden Jedi are not an oddity on Coruscant. So what does this mean Vader did? He went into the nursery and hacked the younglings to itty bitty piles of gory cuteness. Remember that seen from Fellowship of the ring where the Nazgul knife the straw version of the hobbits in their sleep? Vader did it on the Galactic Scale.
- Prepared to kill his own son...twice. Well to quote Loki from Dogma: "It's your son you sick fuck!" Evil rating: 5. Now besides the everyday slaughter of underlings, this is pretty much all there is.
Total evil rating: 30 points
- Well let's see...he's only responsible for every single evil act Vader ever committed and sat back and enjoyed the carnage. That alone transfers all of Vader's points over to Palpatine. But Palpy has his own evil traits which are worthy of mention- super weapons ... soooo many superweapons ... Death Star, Death Star II, World Devestators, Eclipse Star Destroyer, Galaxy Gun, Sun Crusher ... come on, 6 planet killers/destroyers. And those are only the ones that we know about! The sheer amount of needless death gets it a 10 rating fast.
- He shrugged off the death of Darth Maul fairly quick. I mean come on that's pretty damn evil. He shrugged off the death of his apprentice of years, even though he is the most bad ass looking sith lord in the prequel trilogy. Anybody who doesn't mourn Maul's death has a heart made of ice. Evil rating 3
- Well um ... I guess ... well maybe Wolf ... No ... perhaps enslaving billions of beings ... NAH!!! The Borg just suck. NEXT CANDIDATE!!
- See above
Total evil count: 44
- They look DAMN good. Sheer evil design starts them off with 3 points. Like Palpatine, a LOT of their points are going to come from what they made or created evil/chaotic.
- The Drahk: built a death cloud and sent it to earth with the full intent to wipe out billions in a single swipe. They failed, but sometimes the attempt is just as good as the deed. 7 points. However, when they failed with the death cloud, unlike a lot of other evil villains, they had a backup plan. They released the plague and condemned 10 billion people to a slow death in 5 years. The 5 year bit gives the event an extra point. Knowing that your time is slowly ticking away and that in 5 years you'll be worm chow, that's pretty damn fear inducing. Same as if you knew that in 5 years the Death Star was gonna come and blow up earth in 5 years. 8 points.
- The Technomages: Whenever they gain access to their powerful spells, they gain the sudden urge to maim. 2 points on account of the fact that 99.5% of all the mages actively suppressed the urge.
- President Clark: Assasinated the President, gained power, slowly instituted his new "security" forces using "alien threats" as an excuse, dissolved the senate, declared martial law, routinely targetted unarmed civilians and endured a Civil War to satisify his own power cravings. Evil Rating 6.
- Now that we've gotten their subordinates out of the way, we can look at the Shadows. In the final days of the Shadow war, they routinely wiped out planets with billions of beings for being "tainted" with Vorlon Influence when that "Vorlon Influence" was a Vorlon imposed, easily destroyable base. Evil rating: 10
- Dumped the plague on at least 2 heavily populated worlds, including the survivors of the one of the worlds they sic'ed the death cloud on. Evil rating: 8
- Well to be honest, I never watched BattleStar Galacta so I can't make a judgement. However, they look too damn much like the Borg. Anything that looks like the borg must blow.
Evil rating: 1 point for every millijoule in an Acclamator heavy turbolaser ... that comes out to what exactly? 200 E56 points I think ... For some reason I think Stewart won this fight.
- While all the above have killed billions in the name of the advancement of themselves, they don't actually exist, now do they? Marth Stewart DOES.
Do you have any fucking idea how many times my mom has forced me to sit down and watch that piece of shit? Stewart has actually harmed me, NOT some distant population of billions on some remote planet in the middle of God knows what fucked up corner of the galaxy, ME. That is inexcusable ...
Being forced to sit down with your mom and watch Martha Stewart? *shudder* Just the thought of that has ruined my whole day, and so I must share the horror with you all :)
Imperial Poll #10
This is gladiatorial space combat in a confined area (ie- no running away!). Strictly mano a mano: no copilots or crews allowed. Place your bets!
|Ben Sisko, flying a Runabout
|Starbuck, flying a Viper
|Tom Paris, flying the Delta Flyer
|John Sheridan, flying a StarFury
|Jango Fett, flying Slave-1
|Luke Skywalker, flying an X-Wing fighter
This was an unusual poll because it involved both characters and equipment. Captain Sheridan garnered a surprising number of votes, but ultimately, it came down to the Force and Luke Skywalker versus the firepower of Slave-1. And while it was a close match, the voters decided to go with the Force.
Were you in a sadistic mood or something when you came up with that? A runabout vs. Slave I? The Delta Flyer vs. an X-wing piloted by LUKE SKYWALKER?
Obviously, the runabout and the Delta Flyer would win. After all, we know puny Star Wars lasers can't penetrate Trek shields, and the Wars vehicles use primitve joysticks and yokes while the Trek vehicles use advanced touch screens. Duh. Why don't you make something a little more fair, like Chewbacca vs. Wesley Crusher in an arm wrestling match?
OK, I guess he decided to go for sarcasm :)
Imperial Poll #11
What would you fix/change about Star Wars, if you had the chance?
|The Anakin/Amidala love story
|Greedo shooting first
Could there be any doubt at all? The Anakin/Amidala love story was hackneyed, and probably drew the majority of female votes, but nothing is more hated among most Star Wars fans than the "Special Edition" historical revisionism of Greedo taking the first shot in the Cantina.
Despite being tempted to want to undo the "Bad Guys Shoot First" bit with Greedo, the whole gut-wrenching romance bit between Anakin and Amidala won my vote for "Ought To Be Revised Out Of the Special Edition". (Do I get bonus points for not retching once during that whole sequence in the theatre?)
Actually, I think that, between "Cardboard Cut-Out" Anakin (Episode I) and "Whiny Teenaged Punk Who Happens To Be Gifted With the Force" Anakin (Episode II), the only real justification for keeping him around is that he becomes Darth Vader. Sigh. Oh, did I mention that I utterly loathed Anakin in Episodes I and II?
Imperial Poll #12
Upon which sci-fi planet would you prefer to live?
|Earth (Babylon 5)
|Earth (Star Trek)
It sounds like most of you preferred the idyllic socialist utopia of Star Trek's Earth over the hustle and bustle of Coruscant, the grittiness of Babylon 5's Earth, and JRR Tolkien's primitive Middle Earth. Well, at least they have sex-filled holodecks. Of course, it's also possible that Trekkies heavily loaded the poll, since Coruscant was leading strongly at one time ...
Middle Earth - No. Fucking. Way. I'm sorry, if I wanted to get Cholera I'd drink the tap water in the Dominican Republic, and if I wanted to be killed randomly I'd move to North Korea.
Earth (Star Trek) - Didn't we just win a 50 year Cold War on which was better, Communism or Capitalism?!? I guess these folks don't know of that old saying, "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.) And for some reason I get the feeling that all Federation Citizens have an implant that prevents masturbation...
Earth (B5) - The closest to our world right now, I'd pick this choice if Coruscant weren't in the picture, I mean they have holo-brothels, new drugs, kickass music, damn! It's like home!
Coruscant - Planetary City, four moons, aurorae every sunrise and sunset...that place has gotta be fucking beautiful. I'd live here simply because I don't plan on going to the lower levels...
Jed - Xenophobe3691
He was the only one who brought up the Cholera angle :)
Imperial Poll #13
Who is the most inept villain?
|Emperor Palpatine: he was protected by Death Stars, giant fleets of mighty warships, and countless millions of soldiers under his control, but he still used himself as bait to lure the Rebels into a trap.|
|The Borg: they had thousands of ships, the combined mental processing power of trillions of beings, and after 10 years, they still couldn't figure out that they could conquer Earth easily if they just sent more than one ship at a time. Worse yet, they spent six months trying to solve Species 8472 and Voyager's Holo-Doctor figured it out in six hours. In the end, their Queen got fatally infected by a computer virus, thus proving that the Borg never managed to assimilate computer firewall technology.|
|The Independence Day aliens: speaking of inept villains and computer viruses, these guys had a mothership a quarter the size of the moon, city-sized spaceships which could easily shake off a nuclear direct hit, and shielded fighters, but they were still brought down by Jeff Goldblum and a Mac laptop.|