The Technobabblator

Written: 1999.11.05

Who is the technobabblator? Here's a hint: he has an odd skin complexion, he has a positronic brain, and he can't figure out a Chinese finger puzzle. Yes, you guessed it: Lieutenant-Commander Data! The following is a brief list of famous quotations from Star Wars, as they would sound if they were spoken by Data:

The Technobabblator

Star Wars

"Your father's fixed-length energy beam projection device. Devices like this were considered the primary close-quarters combat weapon of the Jedi Knights. This particular type of weapon requires a great deal of skill to operate, but its operating characteristics are weighted heavily toward high accuracy and repeatability. This type of weapon was well suited to the social and economic conditions prevalent in the ancient era in which it was popularized."

"Your father's lightsabre. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster ... an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age."

"You should be careful to refrain from excessively optimistic tactical projections based on the operating parameters and characteristics of this battle station. There is a distinct possibility that the energy requirements for the destruction of an inhabitable planetoid may be significantly lower than the quantities of energy that can theoretically be yielded by tapping into the energy fields generated by living organisms."

"Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

"There are significant differences in operating parameters between the process of engaging a hyperdrive propulsion system for a jump to superluminal speed, and the process of using aircraft to aerially distribute pesticides over agricultural territory. If you do not perform percise computations prior to the hyperspace jump, it is likely that your flight path will come within close proximity to dangerous celestial phenomena, such as a star or supernova. There is a high probability that a collision or close-proximity encounter with such a dangerous phenomenon would result in the premature termination of your journey."

"Travelling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations you'd fly right through a star, or bounce too close to a supernova, and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it?"

"It is exceedingly rare for people to be overly concerned with the threat of violent retribution from an android, after defeating them in a recreational game of strategy. This is due to the fact that there are no known incidents on record in which androids have forcibly dismembered their opponents following a defeat in such a recreational game. However, it is a matter of historical fact that the species known as wookies has a distinct tendency to react to strategy game losses in just such a manner."

"That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookies are known to do that."

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